Meat Curtains Psychology - # 9
This story is self-explanatory. That rhymed.
Meat curtains. Roast beef. Spam wallet sandwich. Liver lips. How do you get that junk? It’s the 8th and final wonder of the world. That’s some mysterious Leatherface stuff, man. Like if you didn’t have that shit, and you woke up with it, would that be a terrifying nightmare? Oh my, imagine pulling the covers back to find Freddy Krueger eating you out, no wait, that is just your pussy skin, your pissy pastrami wings. Gross? I used to think it was gross. Labia minora becoming labia majora, is an interesting concept. Then I began to wonder, with labia minora protrusion being so common, and labiaplasty becoming a quite popular plastic surgery procedure, what would life be like with a set of mutton linens down there? An extra side of yogurt slinging flesh lettuce between your thighs. How would having more pussy make me feel? How would it make you feel? Is it a plus or a minus?
They say the porn star chicks get it from banging or you get it from cannonball-blasting a baby out of your pum pum. That’s why they get the vaginal rejuvenation surgery. It’s to reanimate zombie vaj, revive the dead snatch pieces that are hanging out ones gooch. I just thank the Lord everyday for not cursing me with it, and I pray that I never get it. My pussy gives me enough problems as it is. More pussy, more problems …
If you get ham blankets from smashing copious amounts of big cocks do not sign me up. No. Wait. Sign me up. No. Don’t. Stop. Do not sign me up. Okay, sign me up. Wait, no, I don’t want to be signed up. A pro, to that scenario would be getting mad endless diznick, the con, is having a supersize flappy meal between your thighs.
Makes me wonder, maybe not every chick gets it from banging too many dicks or having numerous breach, sideways, 15 pounder babies. Perhaps there are ladies born with it. There are virgins out there with four, half pound Arby’s 2 for $5 Beef and Cheddar specials betwixt their legs out there right now. And yes, I just used the word betwixt. And, yes now I want a Twix. These women maybe among you right now. The ones who can’t cross their legs properly on account of the shredded sirloin gweeble slappers in the middle of their stems.
If a virgin can have that shit so can a baby. Maybe if a baby has an extra side of pussticles, that baby is destined to be a hoe. Destined to be named Destiny and in DVDA porn. I mean, why not? You’re already napalmed to shit down there. It’s like what came first the chicken or the egg? What came first the clithanger steak drapes or the slutiness? When you have some hot mess smooshed up and wedged up in your business like that, like a couple of fat sloppy In-N-Out Double Double Animal-Style Cheeseburgers you are mos def going to be more ‘pussy aware.’ From the pure motion and the pendulum-esque mature swing of the dense weight of your damn hanging twat, of course you’d be more conscious of it. You’d grow up, working yourself into a carnal fury as it rubbed up on every friggin’ thing, pondering ‘What is this ghastly body part? I must use it!’ That is pussy awareness.
I once had a threesome with a girl who had massive, dangling pink mouse ears for a bedussy and she was a major slut in a good way, and she didn’t give a fuck about too much in life. I mean, my life. She went to UC Santa Cruz, she was a fellow voluptuous thick chick who posed nude for art classes for a living. One of her mouse ears was extremely longer than the other one, like the ‘mouse’ was inquisitively tilting its head at a 90 degree angle. She was somewhat self conscious of the bloody thing and you know what she did? It wasn’t bloody, but you know what she did? She got that shit pierced with a big ol’ heavy curved barbell horseshoe, to really own it and empower herself from any lack of self-confidence or shame she felt over her vage. Her hope was, folks would pay more attention to the jewelry than her cotton candy fuck bubble. And it worked!
So, she’s got this enormous bedazzled cow udder for a twat, and she loves it because with all that lady meat just bulging out around the piercing, rubbing against her pants, because she didn’t wear panties, again because she was a slut in a good way, she could cum from briskly walking or from a light jog or from sneezing. Can you imagine orgasming and running? Or suddenly climaxing when you sneeze? Gesundheit baby!
In general, she came super easy, all her good parts were just hanging out getting aroused on the regular from everyday wear and tear. Pun intended. Which kind of fits in with my pussy awareness concept. Any-fucking-way the guy we were with couldn’t get enough of that open faced bologna hoagie, he was trying to suck on that thing like he was a newborn baby and that was the last titty on earth on Christmas morning. If you know what I mean, and I know that you do. I mean, we’ve all been there. I was almost left out of the three-way due to her embellished pink canoe, conch burger, that and she went straight to making out with him, to a giving him a light dick licking to munching on his asshole. Fucking UC Santa Cruz alumni! Like right after making out, pretty much straight to ass. Who does that? And then they were like in this weird 96, 69 position fighting over each other’s orifices. He, also had a massive Mag-Lite of a member and had a Prince Albert or was it a Prince Harry piercing, so maybe they were just really into each other because of their body mods and their hefty sexy parts. Maybe it wasn’t a threesome at all. Maybe I was just watching, getting my voyeur on. I don’t quite remember due to my excessive PBR consumption, which I got one more of and smoked a bowl while they were still getting it on, and then I hopped back in once the sphincter munching schmorgasburg had ceased. That was my thing for a minute, popping in and out of threesomes, and sex in general. I’m a busy lady, beers aren’t going to drink themselves, bowls are going to smoke themselves. In fact, the concept is absurd.
As I digress, it makes me wonder, when a girl is born with those rare reuben panini deli meats, is the doctor like, “It’s a fucking girl! And she’s a fucking a hoe. Ahhhh, look at her, 5 fingers, 5 toes, and she’s got a handful of rosy chitlins there for a vagina. She’s adorable, she is happy and healthy as a lark! Whatever the fuck a lark is. Oh, and good news, due to her quadruple moose knuckle salmon taco salad down there, she won’t need you to save a dime for her college fund or her violin lessons. You should invest in getting her a Frederick's of Hollywood credit card, so she can begin an endless collection of clear platform heels, and stringy lingerie. Also getting her involved in gymnastics or dance will be immensely helpful to her … because your baby is going to be a mad sack surfer. Oh, please remember Papi feel free to blast her with various types of Daddy issues like, ‘abandonment’, and ‘ unachievable, ridiculously super high expectations’, and Mommy, call her ‘Bitch’ a lot, and compare her to yourself and other women like non-stop.
“Also, this is very important, make sure her first boob job is botched so she still doesn't feel good about herself, I got a discount tit doc to refer you to for that, anyway the botched job it will surely mess with her self-esteem and she’ll be forced to fuck the pain away to build up her confidence. Oopsies and I almost forgot, here are just a few porn stars or stripper names you might like to go with and by-pass her ‘renaming’ herself later in life; something like Tatiana, Bambi, Diamond, Lexie, Crystal, Skye or Champagne. I personally love the names Amber and my all time fave Cinnamon, it’s got some spice to it. Get it, it’s got spice to it.
“I had a baby girl her names is Barbara, she has a regular puss and she’s probably going to be a doctor like me, or an accountant like her Mom, whom she inherited her regular whisker biscuit from. I also have a son, Toby who is about 10, he is skinny, a nerdy brainiac with eczema, with a small dick, so he’ll probably be a billionaire and run Microsoft or Tesla when he gets older in about 6 years.
“Your baby THOT is healthy and that is what is most important. Alas, one more thing, you can continue slapping her on the ass, go for it, like I just did,” The doctor will say this as he fantacilly flips, throws around and smacks at your baby like a brand new ball of pizza dough. “Oh, and feel free to slap her in the face a bit, just lightly, relax, chill out ... I’m helping her evolve more efficiently … and so you can have this real, future money maker on your hands. She’ll get use to the spanking, the insults, she’ll enhance her twerking skills and stripper pole work and professional athletes, celebs and rappers, motherfuckers of all sorts will really make it rain on her … money … semen, Ciroq, pills … maybe piss and poo, that’s where the real moola is.”
The doctor will then try and give you a high five here, while he dangles your baby by the feet with his other hand, like a rogue tentacle jiggling an upside down maraca. “I kid, I kid. Not all babies who have roast beef turn into slut bags. Only the ones that cry like this, (insert female pornographic boohoo here).”
You know there’s nothing on a man’s body that’ll make you think he’s slut. He could be hot as fuck in the face and bod, know how to fuck, have a big cock, be uber successful and a boss, a mega genius used to getting what he wants. None of that necessarily means he’s a slut. Nevermind, it does. Wait, for reals though, not every guy I boned, who had those attributes was a slut. I’ll tell you how to find the Dude Sluts and Man Whores though. They will usually have multiple Baby Mamas, keyed cars, an infinite bitter ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend list, hence the multiple Baby Mamas, they’ll have an extensive lube and STD collection and a questionable dick, perhaps slightly inflamed with red dots or a bumps … and when you see any of those signs especially a bumpy dick thats when you should just run like hell away from them. Oh and their dick and balls will commonly reak of various types of pussy, so be sure to sniff at those jizz bits from time to time. Just trying to help you out here, and save some hearts.
In conclusion, for the record, logic melting love aside, if a chick is hot enough or rich enough no one cares what her pussy looks like. Like if Beyonce or Oprah had elongated, goliath va-gyros with extra tzatziki, no one would give a shit. The same we all feel about guys with small dicks, hot or rich enough, no one gives a hoot about your weiner … I mean you have to compensate with your dirty talk game, and by be amazingly good with your tongue and … your fingers though. Nice manicured fingers, with no long nails. On another closing note, I know a lot of girls with bacon smuggling, floppy cock pocket coochies and they were not all sluts. Okay!? They were simply free spirited, strong, empowered women who chose, and made it their decision, to have their cunts get their cum guzzle on with tons of different men, during numerous one night stands. So there. Not sluts. Strong, choosy, empowered women.
So the next time you’re intimate with a lady, and she’s got some wicked gizzard flappers for a pooter, do yourself a fave and dive head first into the soft pink-stink, of those infinite pork sofa saloon doors. Having too much pussy should not be a downfall, it should be an asset. Like, it is when you’re dude with a wickedly large wang. Ample meat curtains, roast beef, spam wallet sandwiches. Liver lips. Not grotty. It’s nobody’s fault that they have that. And in a world where none of us are getting fucking laid enough or cumming enough you should be happy and blessed to get some of that abundance of gushy strange. We all came from one. Remember that. You’re welcome.
Unless, you were a c-section baby then you are fucking disgusting. An abomination to mankind who nobody should fuck. Just kidding. We should love all pussy, show all labias some love, they go through enough as it is. The more, the merrier.
Again, and I don’t have any … Gawd! I swear I don’t. It would be no biggie if I did, just saying, I don’t have them.
To see the inspiration for this story, after falling down an eclectic Google rabbit hole, feel free to search labiaplasty before and after photos. The website realself.com had the best ones, I didn’t look at them all. Ok, I did.
Enjoy and again … you’re welcome.